There once was a man on the moon
Who made all the ladies swoon
He sat drinking his wine
Which was so fine
And declared he would return home soon!
Every child at one time or another declares that the moon is
made of cheese; this is the story of the man who proved that it really
was.
As a young boy growing up in Wisconsin all I knew was
cheese. It really wasn’t that surprising when I declared that cheese
was my favorite food. My parents encouraged me in everything I did,
even in trying all different types of cheese. As a child I would pair off
a certain cheese that I thought went best with my apple juice and then
a different cheese to go with my grape juice. Who knew that I would
eventually do that for a living? Maturity and reaching the legal age
led me to refine my tastes from juices and soft drinks to wine; it was
then that I discovered the beauty of cheese and wine together. All those
combinations I put together in primary school were translated to wine,
and I took the suggestion of a local restaurant owner and began to make
my mark as a wine and cheese connoisseur. My hard work and exotic
and sometimes unusual combinations of wine and cheese transformed
me into some type of wine and cheese rock superstar. I never expected
the publicity and fame I received for putting a type of cheese and
wine together. Soon everywhere I went everyone knew that I was
Chad R. Blanch, the famed wine and cheese connoisseur. It was a bit
overwhelming, especially for a simple Wisconsin country boy like me.
The fame was great for the first couple of years, but then they
wanted more combinations from me and everyone was turning to me
for fresh new ideas. I couldn’t do the kind of work that they wanted
from me in Wisconsin so I packed up, moved to the Napa Valley,
California, and acquired my own winery. I figured that if I wanted to
make new combinations, why not make wine specifically for certain
cheeses that were different then what was already out there? After my
first few batches of wine life was good again, except I had even less
privacy than before. My job flourished so well in the next few years that
I was able to save up and buy a luscious Tuscan winery estate. It was in
Tuscany where I ran into my biggest challenge.
I was constantly playing with different flavors for my wine and
I finally found the prefect combination for the perfect wine. I was so
excited that I immediately set about finding the perfect cheese to
38
go with my perfect wine. To my devastated discovery though there was
no cheese that went with my wine. I was lost. What would it do to my
reputation if word got out that I couldn’t match a cheese with my new
wine? I decided to take my stock of my perfect wine and hid it away
until I found a solution to my dilemma.
The problem with hiding my wine was that it didn’t get the
problem off my mind. I was constantly thinking about what I had done
wrong or how I could possibly change perfection to fit a common
cheese. Then one day my trusty friend, confidant, and the woman who
tended my grapes, Raisin, gave me a perfect idea. She suggested that
I go back to the U.S. and apply for housing on the space station on the
moon to get away from all the pressure so that maybe I could think
clearly to come up with an answer to my problem. Because I am so
wealthy it took nothing but a few million dollars to get me away from
the public, pressure, and my now dreaded wine.
My quarters on the space station were nothing as luxurious as
my Tuscan estate but they were homey in their own way. In fact I liked
them so much I thought of maybe purchasing my quarters so that I
could come back and visit whenever I wanted. As I was unpacking my
things that I found it, a small cask of the dreaded wine! I had resolved
to just throw the thing out into space when I took a walk later, but
something held me back. Instead I placed it on the dresser.
It wasn’t until I had been there a couple of days that I decided
to venture outside and take my first moon walk. Since the scientists and
astronauts were doing research on the north side of the moon I was told
that I was free to roam the south side so long as I at least told someone
where I was going so that they could locate me if need be. I wandered
around the mysterious south side but since there isn’t much scenery
I decided to attempt to sit down and relax. What I ended up doing
was resting against a large moon boulder. As I “sat” there and starred
aimlessly at the ground I started to realize that there was something off
about the ground on this side of the moon. The ground, what I could
feel of it when I actually touched it, was softer then the north side; I
picked up a nearby rock to closer study its makeup. Now I know that
the moon isn’t made of cheese. I was staying on the moon. I had felt its
rocky, solid surface beneath my feet, but looking at this rock reminded
me of all the stories kids tell about the moon being made of cheese.
Before I knew what I was doing I had taken a bite of the rock, which
surprisingly wasn’t a rock at all! I was shocked and proceeded to just
float there and look at the hunk of—well, I don’t really know what I had
just eaten. Finally I regained control of my limbs and I made my way
back to the base to further study this substance in my quarters.
Once I was back in my room I examined the substance more
39
closely and decided to try eating it again since I had no adverse
reactions to it so far. It actually tasted quite good. As I was mulling over
what the taste of it reminded me of, I spotted the small cask of wine
sitting on my dresser. I had a sudden desire to try pairing my wine with
this stuff. To my utter surprise and delight the wine went perfectly with
this substance which I had since decided was actually cheese. I guess
the kids were right all along.
Over the next few days I returned to my spot with my wine
and sampled more of this moon cheese with it. Every day I came
back with more and more hunks of this cheese. Once I thought I had a
sufficient amount I decided to inform the scientists and astronauts of my
discovery. It took some convincing but they finally believed and agreed
with me that this substance was in fact cheese. Despite the tranquility
and privacy I had on the moon I decided that it was time to head home
and release my new products. My only problem was that I wanted
to keep the origin of my new cheese secret, so I decided to pay the
scientists and astronauts to harvest the cheese and send me a shipment
of it every month when the ship returned to Earth for new supplies.
Once I returned to Earth I went straight to Tuscany with
Raisin and had her try the cheese with my wine; she agreed with my
assessment of the pairing. Within a month I presented my newest
products: Love Juice wine and South Side cheese. On the same day I
proposed to my beloved Raisin. I married her six months later.
Despite the constant inquiries and offers I have never given
up my secret for either my wine or my cheese. I retired shortly after
revealing these priceless products and have since bought the moon base
so that no one could ever discover my secret.

by Christina Lehman, ’08